You’re Not a Narcissist. You’re Finally Setting Boundaries.

There's a voice in the back of your head that activates the second you say no.

It doesn't sound angry. It sounds scared.

"Was that selfish?" "Was I manipulative?" "Am I becoming just like them?"

Let me be clear. If you've survived narcissistic abuse — from a parent, partner, mentor, therapist, pastor, or friend — this voice is not your conscience.

It's a trauma echo. It's a leftover alarm system from a time when saying no had consequences.

And now that you're finally setting boundaries? That system thinks you're dangerous.

Why Survivors Think Boundaries = Narcissism

Let's get this straight:

Narcissists don't question whether they're narcissists. Survivors do.

Why?

Because narcissistic abuse teaches you that your needs are threats. That your boundaries are abandonment. That your voice is aggression. That your clarity makes other people "feel unsafe."

So when you finally start asserting yourself — after years of fawning, freezing, performing, and explaining — your nervous system panics.

"I'm being cold." "I'm becoming just like them." "I should've been more gentle."

But here's what's really happening:

You're becoming the version of you they tried to erase.

Narcissists Condition You to Doubt Your Power

According to Judith Herman, coercive abuse works by disorienting the victim's sense of reality, self-trust, and autonomy. It's not always loud. Often, it's strategic intimacy — love, validation, and concern twisted into control.

As survivors of complex trauma, you carry a lifetime's worth of bullying regardless of your age. The wounds may be primarily psychological rather than physical, but they're just as damaging. Your abuser trained you to believe that even your normal needs and boundaries are dangerous imperfections — justifiable reasons for punishment or abandonment.

When you were a child (or even an adult) under the thumb of a narcissist, saying no wasn't an option. If you tried, you were punished:

Emotionally (guilt, gaslighting)

Relationally (stonewalling, shaming)

Spiritually (you were "rebellious" or "unhealed")

Psychologically ("you're just projecting")

This is what author Pete Walker calls "emotional flashbacks" — sudden internal reactions that don't match the present moment because they're wired to past danger.

So when you assert a boundary today? Your body still reacts like you're about to get hit.

Not with fists. With shame.

"Am I Being Like Them?" — No, You're Being Like You

Here's the brutal trick narcissists pull:

They spend years abusing you... Then condition you to believe that anytime you act like you matter, you're the abuser.

That's not accountability. That's reverse psychology as control.

This is why reality becomes confused. When a narcissist tells you information that contradicts your natural instincts, it becomes nearly impossible to trust yourself. Many therapists recognize this as a cue that someone is experiencing narcissistic abuse – that feeling of not knowing which way is up.

It's why you second-guess every decision. It's why you over-apologize. It's why you write long texts to explain a two-sentence boundary.

And if you're a trauma survivor with CPTSD or complex relational trauma? You've probably done deep emotional labor to avoid becoming "toxic." You've done therapy, shadow work, journaling, and reflection. You've rewritten your reactions. You've taken accountability for things that weren't even your fault.

But when you finally say, "I'm done being manipulated" — that voice still comes up:

"What if I'm the narcissist now?"

You're not.

You're just finally choosing yourself in a way that doesn't require a performance.

Research Says Narcissism ≠ Boundaries

Let's be clear about narcissism.

Clinically, narcissistic personality disorder involves:

Grandiosity

Lack of empathy

Manipulative behavior

Exploiting others for self-gain

Chronic entitlement

Setting boundaries doesn't make you a narcissist. It means you're regulating your space, your safety, your energy. That's called health.

Personal boundaries function as a shield that protects you from stress and abuse. Your personal and psychological resources are stored inside these boundaries like a "tank of fuel." This is precisely why narcissists target you – they seek to take your resources, much like thieves siphoning gasoline from others' tanks.

In fact, according to studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people with a strong sense of boundaries and emotional clarity report:

Higher relational satisfaction

Lower anxiety

Greater resilience post-abuse

Meanwhile, people with trauma histories who lack boundaries report:

People-pleasing

Identity confusion

Emotional burnout

Fear of confrontation

So if your body flinches every time you advocate for yourself — that's not narcissism. That's evidence you've been trained to disappear.

How to Know You're Not the Narcissist

Here's a gut check list:

• You feel guilt after standing up for yourself

• You reflect on your tone and intentions

• You've worried about becoming like your abuser

• You overexplain to avoid being misunderstood

• You fear that being misunderstood = being unsafe

Meanwhile, narcissists:

• Don't question their motives

• Blame others for how they feel

• Avoid accountability

• Manipulate without flinching

• Use shame to gain power

See the difference?

As therapist Kaytee Gillis, who specializes in helping survivors of toxic relationships, puts it: "Narcissistic abuse is a real and traumatic behavior. Many people who haven't experienced this form of psychological abuse may believe it's exaggerated – this is simply their opinion of something they don't understand."

You're not unhealed. You're unlearning obedience.

What Freedom Sounds Like

It sounds like this:

"I'm not available for that anymore."

"That doesn't work for me."

"You don't get to talk to me like that."

"This is the last time we'll be having this conversation."

"No." (Period. Not a paragraph.)

Setting healthy boundaries means knowing your limits and communicating them effectively. It involves saying no when needed and being assertive. It also means embracing authenticity – being true to yourself and your values rather than pretending to be someone you're not.

The first few times you say those words, you'll shake. You'll want to call yourself the bad guy. You'll worry that you've gone too far.

You haven't. You've just gone home to yourself.

Final Word: You're Not a Narcissist. You're Finally Free.

The shame you feel after setting a boundary isn't proof you're toxic. It's proof you've been trained to believe your needs are dangerous.

After narcissistic abuse, victims often struggle with trust issues and have trouble setting boundaries. The emotional trauma can deeply affect mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and even PTSD. These aren't signs of weakness – they're evidence of what you've survived.

But you're not dangerous. You're done being disposable.

So let's be clear:

If someone calls you selfish for protecting your peace? If someone says you've changed just because you stopped explaining yourself? If someone says you're narcissistic for not letting them walk all over you?

That says more about their entitlement than your evolution.

You're not too much. You're just done being managed.

You're not a narcissist. You're finally fucking free.

— Cody Taymore

More From Kill The Silence:

• What No One Tells You About Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse

• How Therapist Abuse Starts: The First 10 Red Flags I Missed

• The Covert Narcissist: 11 Signs You’re Dealing With Evil in Disguise